“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats