So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
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Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
thinking about a very short hotdog