*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
one of
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Xylophonist Shredding It
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.