me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
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Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.