“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
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We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..