Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Who knew!
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats