ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
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being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it