Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.