“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
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WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
oh my god
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.