News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
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you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
BaD BoY!!
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
my dad when a sex scene comes on
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.