Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
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Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.