Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
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Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.