wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
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Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
The photographer’s assistant
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.