Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
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A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Yep.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Who knew!
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
My dad is at it again
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.