Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed