This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
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Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.