My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
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it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.