Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
You Might Also Like
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Squirrels before girls.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”