Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
3% human
97% stress
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business