My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
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Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all