A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?