According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.