me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me