I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Twitter remains undefeated
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.