plant them where lol
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
what the
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.