Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
You Might Also Like
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs