I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.