Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
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I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.