Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
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Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners