If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
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selfie game
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.