I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
You Might Also Like
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water