The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.