first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
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Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.