If you love someone, let them tweet.
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Hank is one in a melon.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
You sure about that?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one