You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
You Might Also Like
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Lmaoo 😂
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
mumsnet is amazing
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]