Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.