With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
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Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.