Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
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You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.