I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
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*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Eat…
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.