Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
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[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.