At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
They’re not wrong
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*