That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker