Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
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[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.