Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
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They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
They got a point!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
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I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.