I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?