*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
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Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
not for long
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.