me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
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me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I’M CRYINGGG
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!