Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.