The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
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The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn鈥檛 realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
when everyone鈥檚 out sick and you鈥檙e the only one working in the office all week
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can鈥檛 do laundry lying down
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 馃憦For 馃憦Help 馃憦
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Some days you鈥檙e on top of the world鈥ther days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you鈥檙e just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
this could fix me
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.