The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
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Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH